When someone you like or love gets sick, what are the most friendly and helpful things to do?

I’m talking Sick with a capital S, where they might be having surgery or extended treatment.

First, let’s address an important elephant in the room: it’s tough, as the sick person, to ask for help.

So often, we say, “Let me know if there’s anything you need” or “Sending healthy thoughts and prayers,” which are lovely, friendly things to say.

But for certain people you like or love, I suggest automatically going the extra mile, without waiting to be asked.

When someone tells you they’re sick, our instinct is often to say, “Oh noooo,” “I’m so sorry you have to go through this,” or “That must be so tough.”

These are empathetic things to say, but when you’re already dealing with something scary, they can sometimes feel like a downer.

One of my favorite responses I’ve heard is:

“You are a person of great fortitude, and I’m behind you 100%.”

Be encouraging. Uplifting. Put a little wind in their sails if you can.

I’m not saying to be Pollyanna or pretend everything is fine. Just point out something you genuinely admire in them that might serve them through what they’re facing.

2. Stay in the present.

When you’re waiting for test results or to see if treatments work, it can be a harrowing time.

It’s easy to borrow worries from the future: What if the test results are bad? What if treatment is really tough? What if…?

Help your friend stay in the present, like I mentioned in my Thinking Traps newsletter.

You might say, “I’m glad you’re getting some good rest,” or ask, “How are you feeling about how things are going?”

You don’t have to solve what hasn’t happened yet.

3. Send a quick check-in text.

A quick text can be surprisingly encouraging.

Don’t be offended if your sick friend takes a long time to respond. Between everyone checking on them, medical appointments, restoring energy and possibly working, they’re likely juggling a lot.

A few easy check-ins:

• “How did it go this week?”
  • “Is it okay to call this afternoon?”
  • “Just want you to know you’re on my mind.”

You don’t need to write the perfect thing. Sometimes it’s just nice to know someone remembered.

4. Think about the special skills you can contribute.

There may be all kinds of useful talents in a sick person’s friend group: sending hilarious memes, making a beautiful card, doing research, tracking down a hard-to-find product, helping schedule appointments, doing 20 minutes of gardening or cooking something delicious.

Think about what you’re particularly good at and simply offer to do it.

5. Drop something off.

A meal. Flowers. A care package.

Ask a family member what they might appreciate most, or find out if a meal train has been organized.

And let me take a moment to sing the praises of The Casserole.

Not something I eat on the regular, but boy, if you’re trying to help a sick friend out, a casserole can feed a family for days, and all they have to do is reheat a portion in the microwave.

If you need ideas, try this AI prompt:

“Give me 5 popular, comforting dinner casseroles that would be good to bring to a family going through a stressful time. They should be easy to reheat, feed several people, and include at least one option that works well for picky eaters. Include links to highly rated recipes.”

Alright, it’s time for a bonus. And this may be the most important one of all…

6. Invest in your friendships before anyone gets sick.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed people across their lives for decades, has found that strong relationships are one of the most important predictors of health and happiness.

In other words, friendship isn’t just nice to have. It’s part of a good life.

Put deposits into your friendships while life is humming along—not because you expect anything in return, but because those relationships become part of the net that holds all of us up when life gets hard.

Deposits can look like:

• Doing a favorite activity together
  • Reading the same book and discussing it
  • Forming a monthly dinner club with people you enjoy
  • Exercising with friends
  • Calling someone just because you haven’t talked in a while

And then, when one of you gets Sick with a capital S, the friendship is already there.

Hit reply and send any funny medical jokes you can find. I promise to share them if we get a good group.