Issue #008: Over-Thinking vs Productive Thinking (and What Actually Helps)
There’s a particular kind of mental exhaustion I see again and again in thoughtful people.
It’s not that they don’t know enough.
It’s not that they’re missing information everyone else has.
It’s that they think about something SO much that they cause themselves unnecessary stress.
It often shows up as some combination of over-thinking and rumination.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
You might recognize it as:
- looping on the same decision, trying to weigh every possible factor
- replaying conversations after the day is over
- searching for the right answer (“surely if I just think hard enough, it will appear”)
- mentally rehearsing outcomes
- thinking late into the night and waking up tired
- imagining worst-case scenarios that are unlikely to happen
- living with a low-grade, chronic angst that only temporarily resolves
- perfectionism — the kind where your output never quite feels good enough
What’s tricky is that this kind of thinking feels responsible.
It feels like:
“If I just stay with this a little longer, I’ll figure it out.”
But instead of clarity, you often get:
- lost sleep
- analysis paralysis
- self-doubt
- lower mood
- decision fatigue
- delayed action
Thinking as an Over-Used Skill
When I was in private practice, about 20 miles from the Microsoft campus, I worked with many bright and quirky software engineers.
One pattern showed up consistently in my private practice.
A partner would come in distressed — overwhelmed, upset, needing connection.
And the engineer, with the best intentions, would respond with logic:
“Have you tried doing it this way?”
“That’s not what I observed.”
And the doozy…
“You’re asking the wrong question.” (Please don’t ever say this. Ever. To anyone.)
The engineer was over-using a skill that is usually incredibly helpful — logic — when what their partner really needed was validation and connection.
Something closer to:
“I can see you’re really upset.”
“How was your day?”
“Do you just want to vent or do you want help problem solving?”
The engineer had the best of intentions but was using the wrong the tool for the task.
The same thing happens inside our own minds.
The Most Helpful Fix I’ve Found
I recently completed a year-end review of 2025 and reflected on how much I spent on consultants and continuing education.
Keeping my thinking as sharp as possible matters to me.
In hindsight, I can honestly say that ChatGPT was the single best investment I made all year.
Not because it gave me answers, but because I used it as a thinking partner.
For business.
For my own health and for friends in crisis, like I described in newsletter #004: Co-Thinking in a Crisis.
And for relationships.
If you’d like to know how I stopped over-thinking, uncovered blind spots and tradeoffs, I’ll be sharing the many wins and how I got them in the workshop:
I’ll teach the 5-step framework I developed, thinking with AI for hundreds of hours.
You’ll leave the workshop with clear next steps, and a quieter mind, so can do your best thinking, without stress.
All my best,
Debbie Steinberg, LMFT