Issue #006: Your Holiday Social Toolkit
The holidays are coming up and that means socializing.
For some of us that’s a welcome relief to remote working and the part of us that craves connection.
And for others, the idea of socializing with coworkers or extended family can land like a knot in the gut.
Even when we want friends, the process of making or maintaining, them can feel daunting.
Those who know me know I often reference the 85+ year-long Harvard Study of Adult Development, which found that friendship and close relationships are among the most important predictors of a happy, satisfying life.
I also loved the book that brought this research to life for so many people:
The Good Life by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz.
A while back in our LifeLab community, we hosted a series of conversations with the fabulous Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACC, author of the upcoming book Friendship Skills For Neurodivergent Adults
She taught us so many helpful things, including:
- The Flavors of Friendship — why not all friendships serve the same purpose
- The importance of reading the room — and how this is a skill you can learn, not something you either “have” or don’t
If you’d like more support around this, especially for kids who struggle socially, I go very deep on how parents can help neurodivergent kids make and keep friends in my parenting course Unique Path to Thrive. It’s currently 50% off through the end of the year.
During one of our LifeLab sessions with Coach Caroline, I had a real lightbulb moment.
We were talking about what to do when you feel anxious or awkward at a party—when you’re scanning the room and not quite sure where to land.
Someone shared that when they feel this way, they ask the host for a job.
You know that feeling when the answer has been hiding in plain sight?
For years, when I hosted gatherings, and someone asked, “Can I help?” I’d say some version of:
Your job is to enjoy yourself.
Your job is to grab a drink.
Now I give them a job.
If you’re feeling socially anxious, it makes perfect sense. It’s often much easier to chat while stirring the gravy, refilling drinks, or gathering plates than it is to stand still and make small talk.
How Many Friends Do You Actually Need?
I’ve gotten this question more than once.
When I talk with families, I usually say: one friend and a spare.
You need the spare in case the first friend moves away, gets busy, or you simply drift apart. It takes pressure off any one relationship.
Conversation Is a Game of Catch
Here’s another reframe I love:
Conversation is a lot like a game of catch.
A question is throwing the ball.
An answer is throwing it back.
You don’t have to be dazzling. You just have to keep the ball in play.
As you head into holiday gatherings, it helps to go in with a few tools and tips at the ready.
Party Power Questions
Feeling anxious about socializing at the next party? Go prepared with these conversation starters in mind:
- What’s a book, show, or podcast you’ve enjoyed recently?
- Do you have any travel coming up—or a favorite place you’ve been?
- How do you usually spend your weekends when you get a little downtime?
- What’s something you’re really interested in right now?
- What do you love learning or getting better at?
Social Anxiety Holiday Survival Tips
- Ask the host for a job
- Stand near food, drinks, or pets—easy conversation anchors
- Arrive early or a little late—both are often easier than peak time
- Give yourself permission to step outside or leave early
- Remember: connection often happens side-by-side, not face-to-face. That's why some of the best conversations happen in the car.
In closing, SEND ME AN EMAIL and tell me:
Who would be the perfect friend for you right now?
Maybe they share your interests.
Maybe they appreciate what you’re naturally good at.
Maybe their brain is wired in a similar, or beautifully complementary, way.
There’s no right answer. Just curiosity. And if you have them in mind, they'll be easier to recognize when you meet them.
Wishing you a holiday season that treats your social battery just right.
All my best,
Debbie Steinberg, LMFT