Does your child resist requests, go into fight, flight, or freeze mode when faced with demands, or struggle with following instructions? If so, you may be dealing with a demand avoider, and Linda Murphy, a speech-language pathologist, has an effective solution: declarative language.
In this conversation, Linda explains how declarative language—simply commenting on the environment or situation—can prevent power struggles and reduce challenging behaviors. This approach is especially beneficial for children with social learning challenges, as it decreases the pressure that typical commands or questions often place on them.
What Is Declarative Language and Why Is It So Effective?
Declarative language is non-directive and non-demanding. Instead of giving a command or asking a question, you simply make a statement about what is happening in the environment. For example:
- Instead of saying, “Get in line,”you could say, “I notice it’s time for lunch.”
- Instead of saying, “Say hi to grandma,”you could say, “Look, grandma’s here!”
By stating a simple observation, children have the freedom to process the information and make decisions on their own, which empowers them and fosters independence and problem-solving skills. This approach helps children:
- Feel less pressurefrom commands and questions
- Gain autonomyin decision-making
- Reduce resistanceby allowing them to act on their own observations
Linda explains that demand-avoidant behaviorsoften arise from a child's perception of pressure or threat. When they encounter commands or questions, their nervous system can trigger a fight-or-flight or freezeresponse. This can result in meltdowns, defiance, or simply ignoring the request. By switching to declarative language, you help create psychological safety, which makes it easier for kids to engage cooperatively.
Examples of Declarative Language
- Instead of“Get in line,” try“I notice kids are lining up by the door.”
- Instead of“Say hi to grandma,” try“Look, grandma’s here.”
- Instead of“Look at me,” try“I notice I’m looking at you now.”
This shift in language supports self-regulation and emotional development, making it easier for children to navigate their environments without feeling overwhelmed.
Key takeaways from Linda Murphy:
- Declarative language reduces pressure, making requests feel more like invitations.
- It fosters autonomy and self-regulationby empowering kids to make their own decisions.
- This method is particularly helpful for children with social learning challengesand demand avoidance behaviors.
If your child struggles with demand avoidance or power struggles, this video offers practical strategiesto create a more peaceful and cooperative home environment.
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Take a listen.