There’s the excitement of getting fresh school supplies. Walking the aisles of Target looking at notebooks, backpacks, pens and erasers is almost an annual rite of passage.

Parents feel pleased about the new lunchbox and water bottle that will keep their kids well-nourished and hydrated.

Then school starts.

If you’re lucky, you’ve engaged some ADHD tips, like getting color-coded notebooks and folders for each subject.

Or maybe you’ve helped your child figure out a system for keeping track of assignments across Google Classroom, Canvas, Schoology or whatever collection of portals their school uses.

The mantra in our house was, “If the homework isn’t in the folder, and the folder isn’t in the backpack, then it isn’t done.” Or the online equivalent.

Maybe you’ve created a “launchpad” by the door to gather things family members will need for the next day—soccer ball, shin guards, permission slips, water bottles, etc.

Then Things Start to Slip

What I’ve heard from many families over the years is that things start to slip almost imperceptibly.

An assignment or two are late.

The water bottle gets lost at school.

I had one beloved little client whose mom had to pick her up after school every day because she’d need to run around the school looking for wherever she may have left her water bottle that day.

You might have what I call an A’s and F’s kid—A’s on the assignments they actually turn in, and F’s on the ones they don’t.

It can look like a collection of little problems.

But often, they’re connected.

And that’s when the school spiral pattern starts to take off.

One Problem Starts Feeding the Next

Kids on ADHD meds often experience appetite loss as a side effect, so they barely eat during the school day.

They simply don’t feel hungry.

The ripple effect of not getting enough calories turns into lagging energy—heads on desks, zoning out, difficulty getting work done.

(Quick tip: Send them off in the morning with pocket snacks – nuts, string cheese or other things they can stuff in their hoody pocket and eat throughout the day.)

Then they come home starving and eat a huge dinner and often a huge before-bed snack.

Bedtime gets later. Social time online with friends and screens creep later into the night.

Then they have trouble waking up in the morning.

Now the sleep deprivation, appetite loss, low energy and executive function challenges turn into more missing assignments.

One small thing gets off, which knocks something else off, which makes something else harder.

And the spiral picks up speed.

Then Comes the Hail Mary

Suddenly, it’s a week or two before the end of the semester and what happens next is what executive function coach Seth Perler calls “Hail Mary” time:

A mad dash to do the missing assignments with the most points by midnight.

Emails to teachers to beg forgiveness and leniency for late turn-ins.

The shame of being in the Hail Mary Hole once again.

Or maybe your child hits what ADHD expert Brendan Mahan calls “The Wall of Awful” in his wonderful new book Overcoming the Wall of Awful —when layers of negative emotions and experiences build up and make it harder and harder to get started.

The frustration of parents stews and often comes to a boil..

And for some kids, the stress of the school spiral can eventually result in anxiety, shutdown or even depression.

Catch the Wobble Early

The trick is to catch the school spiral upstream.

Don’t wait for five missing assignments.

Watch for the small changes that tell you your child’s system is starting to wobble:

• Lunch starts coming home uneaten.
• Sleep starts shifting later.
• Mornings get harder.
• Assignments start trickling in late.
• Your child needs more and more recovery time after school.

And if your tween, teen or young adult says, “I’ve got this,” when you start to see the wobble?

Trust and verify.

You want to give them room to manage their own life without waiting until they’re in a hole to discover that their system isn’t working.

Three Ways to Trust and Verify

1.Ask what their plan is.
Instead of jumping in with your solution, ask: “What’s your plan for getting caught up?” or “What do you think would help here?

2. Agree on how you’ll know if the plan is working.
Maybe you’ll look at the school portal together on Sunday. Maybe they’ll show you that the missing assignments have been submitted. Maybe you agree to check back in three days

3. Pay attention to what happens next.
If the plan is working, great. Step back. If it isn’t, that’s information. Your child may need more scaffolding, a different strategy or some help figuring out what’s getting in the way.

The goal isn’t to hover.

Or to let your own anxiety take over.

It’s to give your child as much independence as they can successfully handle, while catching the wobble before it turns into a Hail Mary.

You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone

This is exactly the kind of thing we’ll be focusing on this year in Uniquely Bright Parent Coaching.

Join me and our coaches for small-group coaching for parents of bright, neurodivergent tweens, teens and college-age kids.

We’ll meet every other week throughout the school year and be your guide and safety net—helping you catch problems earlier, figure out what’s really going on, and learn how to calibrate support without either overfunctioning or under-supporting.

We’ll help you make sound decisions about when to step in, when to step back, and what your child needs from you.

For details on Uniquely Bright Parent Coaching, click here.

Let’s disrupt the school spiral pattern and help your child have their best school year yet.

The post Issue #033: The School Spiral Pattern appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.

That’s what my young adult child recently told me.

As many parents of kids with ADHD know, our role is multi-faceted over the years –

We’re alternately the cheerleader, the reminder, the what’s-your-plan? person, the oh-there’s-nothing-in-your-apartment-fridge?-let’s-talk-through-an-Instacart-grocery-delivery person (which, for the record, this Jewish mother has only done twice ; ).

I talked about this in newsletter #027: Supported Independence.

My young adult continued, “I really appreciate all the help you’ve given me, and now I have my own style..”

They’d been living their own life and making their own decisions for years. This was something subtler – they were ready for less input from me.

Were they firing me?

Promoting me out of worrying about them?

We had been on different pages about a few things, like…

• what kind of health-related things to do on your own vs involving professional expertise
• what kind of decisions need to be made in an informed vs an off-the-cuff way
• when and how to balance practical responsibilities with the things you love

Putting on my therapist hat, they set a clean boundary. Individuation.

They’re saying – I’ve got this, mom, even when I sometimes don’t.

It’s healthy and I’m thrilled (and available in the wings just in case ; )

The goal of all this helping is eventually to become less necessary.

The thing is, this “I’m ready to learn from life” statement stands on a mountain of learning they did all while growing up.

My kids were the chief muses for the Self Scientist framework I developed, that we lived and breathed for at least a decade.

Here’s the thing. After counseling or coaching thousands of families over the last 15 years, we don’t know what’s going to work for each child, and align with their unique wiring, to support the bright shiny spots and shore up challenges, unless we run experiments.

An experiment can be virtually anything, and I have a few choice favorites, like setting up a launchpad spot by the door to have all items ready for the day the night before.

Or a medication trial.

Or making at least one friend and a spare through a group that aligns with their gifts and talents.

Or acceleration of coursework in their areas of strength, or a tutor or 1:1 learning to stay on track in less preferred subjects..

Most of all in this day and age, it’s running experiments and enjoying small and large wins in the area of mental health – to enjoy strong friendships and not fall into thinking traps [see newsletter #024: 10 Thinking Traps that Fuel Stress] or self-loathing, or a why-bother attitude when they get so many criticisms over time.

The bottom line:

We experiment to find out what works.

Then we do more of what works and less of what doesn’t work.

Being a Self Scientist is an approach to life, and it works.

That way when you try something, it isn’t a failure. It’s one experiment closer to the good-fit answer.

We talk about giving bright, neurodivergent kids the ‘gift of time’. They often learn things either faster or slower than their same-age peers.

In many ways my child was articulating their truth — I’m ready to run my own experiments. I’ll let you know if I need backup.

And that feels especially poignant as we head into September.

The start of a new school year or new job is a natural opportunity to take stock.

What worked last year?

What didn’t?

Where are we working really hard without getting much traction?

And what might be worth trying differently?

I don’t want you, dear parent, working really hard on the things that aren’t going to pay off. Your life is busy and complicated enough.

We ran groups this summer, with parents navigating some complex situations, and one thing that stuck with me was the theme of parental guilt.

Am I doing enough?

Am I doing too little?

Am I hovering and doing too much?

Would we be in this situation if I had done something differently?

How do you help a teen or young adult make changes when they’re not motivated or interested?

The uniquely bright path is complex.

You don’t need any unnecessary rabbit holes.

If you’d like to learn the Self Scientist framework this fall, we’ll be forming small coaching groups.

If these thoughts have crossed your mind and you hope to be fired one day ; ) because they’ve got this, hit reply.

Tell me your child’s age and what you’re hoping will be different for them this school  or work year.

Then I’ll give some thought to the best way to structure the groups. We may even design groups specifically for teens or young adults themselves.

The post Issue #032: Did My Young Adult Just Fire Me? appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.

I’m talking Sick with a capital S, where they might be having surgery or extended treatment.

First, let’s address an important elephant in the room: it’s tough, as the sick person, to ask for help.

So often, we say, “Let me know if there’s anything you need” or “Sending healthy thoughts and prayers,” which are lovely, friendly things to say.

But for certain people you like or love, I suggest automatically going the extra mile, without waiting to be asked.

When someone tells you they’re sick, our instinct is often to say, “Oh noooo,” “I’m so sorry you have to go through this,” or “That must be so tough.”

These are empathetic things to say, but when you’re already dealing with something scary, they can sometimes feel like a downer.

One of my favorite responses I’ve heard is:

“You are a person of great fortitude, and I’m behind you 100%.”

Be encouraging. Uplifting. Put a little wind in their sails if you can.

I’m not saying to be Pollyanna or pretend everything is fine. Just point out something you genuinely admire in them that might serve them through what they’re facing.

2. Stay in the present.

When you’re waiting for test results or to see if treatments work, it can be a harrowing time.

It’s easy to borrow worries from the future: What if the test results are bad? What if treatment is really tough? What if…?

Help your friend stay in the present, like I mentioned in my Thinking Traps newsletter.

You might say, “I’m glad you’re getting some good rest,” or ask, “How are you feeling about how things are going?”

You don’t have to solve what hasn’t happened yet.

3. Send a quick check-in text.

A quick text can be surprisingly encouraging.

Don’t be offended if your sick friend takes a long time to respond. Between everyone checking on them, medical appointments, restoring energy and possibly working, they’re likely juggling a lot.

A few easy check-ins:

• “How did it go this week?”
  • “Is it okay to call this afternoon?”
  • “Just want you to know you’re on my mind.”

You don’t need to write the perfect thing. Sometimes it’s just nice to know someone remembered.

4. Think about the special skills you can contribute.

There may be all kinds of useful talents in a sick person’s friend group: sending hilarious memes, making a beautiful card, doing research, tracking down a hard-to-find product, helping schedule appointments, doing 20 minutes of gardening or cooking something delicious.

Think about what you’re particularly good at and simply offer to do it.

5. Drop something off.

A meal. Flowers. A care package.

Ask a family member what they might appreciate most, or find out if a meal train has been organized.

And let me take a moment to sing the praises of The Casserole.

Not something I eat on the regular, but boy, if you’re trying to help a sick friend out, a casserole can feed a family for days, and all they have to do is reheat a portion in the microwave.

If you need ideas, try this AI prompt:

“Give me 5 popular, comforting dinner casseroles that would be good to bring to a family going through a stressful time. They should be easy to reheat, feed several people, and include at least one option that works well for picky eaters. Include links to highly rated recipes.”

Alright, it’s time for a bonus. And this may be the most important one of all…

6. Invest in your friendships before anyone gets sick.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed people across their lives for decades, has found that strong relationships are one of the most important predictors of health and happiness.

In other words, friendship isn’t just nice to have. It’s part of a good life.

Put deposits into your friendships while life is humming along—not because you expect anything in return, but because those relationships become part of the net that holds all of us up when life gets hard.

Deposits can look like:

• Doing a favorite activity together
  • Reading the same book and discussing it
  • Forming a monthly dinner club with people you enjoy
  • Exercising with friends
  • Calling someone just because you haven’t talked in a while

And then, when one of you gets Sick with a capital S, the friendship is already there.

Hit reply and send any funny medical jokes you can find. I promise to share them if we get a good group.

The post Issue #031: 5 Things to do When a Friend Gets Sick appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.

A bright young adult with ADHD in their 20s is struggling to get by.

They’ve been told to follow their strengths and interests, and that leads many straight into the arts.

The novelty and creativity are there, which ADHD brains tend to love.

They may be teaching, sharing their special interests, making YouTube videos, or creating things people genuinely appreciate.

But are they making a predictable income? Do they have health insurance?

Often not.

This is a conundrum, and it’s shifting the advice I’ve been giving for years.

For a long time, my go-to questions were:

What do you enjoy doing?

What are you good at?

What would you happily do for free forever if you could?

What would you try if you weren’t afraid to fail?

I still love those questions. They get right to the heart of strengths and interests.

But now we need to add another layer.

What is the world willing to pay for in 2026?

When we add that layer, something important shows up:

Many neurodivergent young adults don’t just need “the perfect passion career.” They need a Plan A and a Plan B.

Plan A: the passion work.

Plan B: the “making a living” work.

Together, they form what’s being called a portfolio career.

It’s not about giving up on the dream. It’s about not having to wonder where the next paycheck, prescription, or rent payment is coming from.

Is it simply a collection of part-time jobs?

Sort of, but with a crucial twist: it’s a collection of roles in service of the dream.

What I Mean by “Portfolio Career”

Think of a portfolio career the way you think of an investment portfolio.

You don’t put everything in one stock and hope for the best.

You hold a mix of things:

• Some steady and boring (on purpose)
• Some more volatile and exciting
• Some that are long shots, but deeply meaningful to you

A portfolio career works the same way.

Effective time. Businessman balancing work on clock, heart and coin

For an ADHD young adult, that might look like:

A structured, part-time or full-time job that pays the bills and offers health insurance

Plus teaching, creative work, music, design, or coaching on the side

Plus some experimental projects (like the YouTube channel) that might grow over time

It’s not “selling out” and it’s not “just picking up random gigs.”

It’s deliberately designing a life where the passion can stay alive and the body and nervous system are financially supported.

When I got my masters at Antioch University in Seattle, I loved how many of the professors also had thriving private therapy practices. They had one foot in academia and one foot in serving therapy clients – a fabulous boots-on-the-ground portfolio career.

Why ADHD Brains Tend to Like The Portfolio Career

Many ADHD adults describe a familiar pattern:

• Boredom in repetitive work
• Feeling most alive in bursts of creativity or urgency
• Struggling with long stretches of unstructured time or endless admin
• Doing best when there’s variety and something to look forward to

A portfolio career makes room for that reality.

A well-chosen stable role can provide structure, routine, and income.

The passion work provides meaning, novelty, and identity.

The experimental projects allow for play and possibility.

Instead of needing one job to be your everything — your stability, your passion, your identity, your creative outlet — the portfolio approach lets different roles carry different parts of the load.

For ADHD and autistic nervous systems that are already working harder to process life, that can lower the pressure on any single choice:

“This doesn’t have to be my forever job. It’s one piece of a larger picture.”

How My Advice Has Changed

If you’ve been around my work for a while, you’ve probably heard me talk about strengths, and special interests as starting points.

I still stand by that. Blow on the embers of your strengths and interests, always.

What’s changed is that I now include economics in the conversation earlier and more explicitly.

So instead of stopping at:

“What lights you up?”

“What could you do for hours without noticing time?”

I add:

“Where does that show up in work the world is currently paying for?”

“What kind of roles tend to come with health insurance?”

“Where is there a path to predictable income and retirement saving, even if you start small?”

Because unstable income is stressful, and chronic financial stress can be debilitating.

Passion alone doesn’t pay for ER visits or therapy bills.

We need both: work that feels like “you” and work that keeps “you” resourced.

Plan A and Plan B: A Different Story

Here’s the way I’m talking about it with neurodivergent young adults:

Plan A is the work that carries your identity: the band, the fashion line, the coaching practice, the content channel, the game design, the writing.

Plan B is the work that carries your life: rent, groceries, meds, health insurance, retirement contributions, savings.

The old story says:

“If you take a ‘real job,’ you’re giving up on your dream.”

The story I’m increasingly telling is:

“If you choose a good Plan B, you’re building infrastructure for your dream.”

For example:

Plan A: be in a band, play shows, record, contribute to the scene.

Plan B: become an audio technician for a company that pays a steady wage and offers benefits.

The technical job keeps you close to audio and gear.

The band keeps you close to your heart.

Plan B isn’t the enemy. It’s the scaffolding that makes Plan A sustainable.

Make It Real (and ADHD-Friendly)

One more crucial layer for ADHD:

We don’t just want any job that pays.

We want jobs that fit the ADHD profile, roles with some novelty, movement or hands-on work, clear tasks, and not eight hours of sitting at a desk staring at spreadsheets.

So when you think about Plan B, it’s worth asking:

Does this role give me some variety?

Does it align with my nervous system and energy level?

Does it offer predictable income, health insurance, and the ability to save for retirement?

A Practical Tool: Use AI to Find ADHD-Friendly Plan B Jobs

To make this more concrete, here’s an AI prompt you can use.

I like using Perplexity for this, it’s good at combining your input with live job postings.

You can copy-and-paste the prompt below into your AI of choice, then fill in the blanks with your info.

How to Use It:

1. Open Perplexity.
2. Paste the prompt.
3. Fill in the bracketed parts with your info.
4. Hit enter.
5. Skim the list of job titles and openings. Notice which ones feel doable and which feel like “nope.”
6. Pick 2–3 openings to click into and read more closely, then apply.

You can run it more than once as your thinking evolves.

Simple AI Prompt: Find Real Jobs for Your Portfolio Career

Use this with your favorite AI, like Perplexity:

I want to find current, real job openings that could be my “Plan B” in a portfolio career.

Here is my information:

Location (city/region): [insert]

How far I’m willing to commute / or remote: [insert]

My strengths and skills: [list 5–10 in plain language]

My main interests / special interests: [list]

My major and/or training and work experience: [list]

Environments I don’t do well in (e.g., sales, constant interruptions, sitting at a desk all day): [list]

I’m ADHD, so please favor jobs with some variety, clear tasks, and not 8 hours of desk work.

I need roles that are likely to offer: predictable income + health insurance + a path to retirement saving.

Based on this, please:

Suggest 5–10 specific job titles that could work as my “Plan B” anchor job in a portfolio career.

For my location, list 10–15 current job openings that match those titles. For each, give:

Job title

Employer

One-line description

A link to the posting

Your quick note on why it might be ADHD-friendly (or not).

Focus on giving me actual links I can click and review.

Quick note: Instead of filling in all the blanks, you can also upload a recent resume.

Have fun dreaming about your portfolio career!

The post Issue #030: The Portfolio Career appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.

Why? Many bright, neurodivergent adults and parents hear those words and think:

“Tell me which part of my life you’d like me to remove.”

The demanding job?

The caregiving my family needs?

My child’s appointments?

My own health?

My own neurodivergent brain?

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to “lower stress” during a season when life demands a lot of me.

You may recall:

A person close to me that almost took their life, which I wrote about in ​Issue #004: Co-Thinking in a Crisis​.

My dog passing away, detailed in ​Issue #007: My Dog, the Supermodel​.

My mom passing away, mentioned in ​Issue #011: Feeling Deeply, Undeniably Alive​.

A friend recently laughed and said, “Debbie, your life in 2026 sounds like a country song.”

Honestly… they’re not wrong.

The truth is, I’m glad I was able to show up for these loved ones and support them the way they deserved to be supported.

Like many of you, I’ve caught myself wondering: Do I need to completely rethink my work with life doing so much life-ing?

Or do I simply need better boundaries and a different way of approaching it?

From where I sit as a therapist, I hear people carrying lives that ask an extraordinary amount of their nervous systems.

What I’m Hearing

Here are just a few of the conversations I’ve been having lately.

“This isn’t regular tiredness anymore. I’m exhausted, numb, overstimulated—and somehow still expected to perform at a high level every day.”

“My doctor says I need to lower my stress, but the stress is my job, my neurodivergent kids, and my own brain. None of those are optional.”

“People keep telling me to practice more self-care, but what I really need is help figuring out how to live a life that’s already overloaded.”

They’re people whose nervous systems have been carrying a heavy load for a very long time.

Why It Hits So Hard

Autistic and ADHD adults often begin with nervous systems that are already working harder to process the world.

Many experience heightened sensory input, greater cognitive load, more effortful social interactions, and years of masking to meet expectations.

Add high-pressure work, caregiving, endless logistics, and the ordinary demands of adult life, and the nervous system may spend much of the day preparing for the next demand before the current one has even ended.

No wonder so many people describe feeling perpetually burned out.

The Two Buckets of Stress

One idea I keep coming back to is that not all stress deserves the same strategy.

Some stress calls for acceptance.

The work that pays the bills.

The caregiving your family genuinely needs.

Health issues, treatment, and life’s unavoidable logistics.

Fighting these realities often adds another layer of stress.

And then there’s another bucket.

Stress that calls for change.

Feeling like you have to answer every email immediately.

Being available all evening.

Perfectionism.

Over-functioning.

Ignoring sensory overload.

Never truly stepping away from work.

This is often where healthier boundaries can make a meaningful difference.

Work Stress Is Real Stress

For many bright, neurodivergent adults, work isn’t simply where they earn a paycheck.

It’s where they manage constant interruptions.

Mask differences.

Navigate complex social dynamics.

Meet high expectations.

Carry the unspoken role of being the capable one—the person who can always handle a little more.

So when someone says, “Just lower your stress,” it can feel like a rule that doesn’t apply to you.

A Different Goal

Instead of trying to lower all your stress, what if you simply chose one source of stress you could reduce?

Your nervous system notices the difference between being on high alert and feeling safe.

Maybe that’s protecting dinner from work email.

Maybe it’s taking five quiet minutes before walking into the house after work.

Maybe it’s finally buying the noise-canceling headphones you’ve been telling yourself you don’t really need.

Small changes don’t erase difficult seasons.

But they can teach your brain and body that not every moment requires the same level of vigilance.

Create more opportunities for your nervous system to recover.

Less Stress with Cleaner Boundaries

Hit reply and tell me your three biggest stressors right now. Which ones call for acceptance? Which ones call for change?

For each one, what’s one small boundary, or one small moment of nervous system recovery, you could create this week?

Examples I remember well…

When my kids were in high school they would invariably procrastinate on assignments and go into a flurry or emergency activity before the deadline.

I set a boundary – “I’m available until 8pm to help. After that, my brain turns to mush and you’re on your own.”

It worked. I got more sleep and they learned when to ask.

Another boundary flavor (we lived about a mile from school) – “If you miss the bus, I’ll drive you to school once a week. Otherwise, you need to walk, run, or bike, even if it’s raining.”

One of my kids said that’s the best boundary they ever had.

Cleaner boundaries help to ensure other people’s stressors are not always yours.

The post Issue #029: Two Buckets of Stress appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.

Most parents of bright, anxious, neurodivergent tweens, teens, and young adults live somewhere inside that paradox.

When our young people feel fearful or overwhelmed by a situation, our natural reaction is often to remove the stressor.

We cancel the hard thing.

We step in to handle the details.

We carry more of the load so the day doesn’t fall apart.

Those choices are understandable and sometimes necessary. They come from love.

But over time, they can add up in a way we don’t intend:

Life gets smaller and stalled, instead of easier.

I call this The Avoidance Trap.

When Fear Starts Making Family Decisions

A family I once worked with had planned a weekend away near Seattle.

As often happens in the summer, a wildfire broke out in the mountains.

But it was many miles from their destination.

The teen felt very scared about smoke inhalation during the trip, so the family decided not to go.

Canceling gave everyone immediate relief, but they had regrets.

How could this go differently next time?

They could have borrowed a phrase from improv:

“Yes, and…”

Yes, I know this feels scary.

And the fire is many miles away.

And the air quality still looks good.

And you have options:

• You can go and spend most of the time inside the cabin.
• You can go and wear a mask outside.
• You can go and become the family’s “air quality monitor,” checking the apps and letting everyone know if conditions change.

The goal wasn’t to tell the teen there was nothing to worry about.

It wasn’t to force them into the scariest version of the experience.

It was to acknowledge the fear while looking for an entryway into moving forward bravely.

We can be scared of something and still find a way, however small, to move toward it.

When we avoid or remove the stressor, instead of dialing it down, the child doesn’t have the opportunity to stay in the struggle and work through it.

How the Avoidance Trap Shows Up

Here’s how it tends to unfold in families I work with.

A young person is overwhelmed:

• School refusal or chronic lateness.
• Shutting down at home.
• Intense anxiety around seemingly small tasks.
• Resistance to new or uncertain situations.

Parents see how much their tween, teen, or young adult is suffering and think:

“They can’t handle one more thing.”

“We just need to get through this week.”

“If I remove this stressor, maybe the anxiety will settle.”

So they do what caring parents do:

They drop the expectation for family dinners.

They take over emails and phone calls with teachers, counselors, or professors.

They reduce or remove chores.

They agree to skip most social events “until things calm down.”

In the short term, there are fewer meltdowns.

Less conflict.

Everyone feels a little more stable.

But six months or a year later, many parents describe a similar picture:

“We can’t get our teen or young adult to join any family activity.”

“School or college is technically happening, but everything depends on us.”

“Our young person avoids almost everything that feels demanding, and we’re assisting with most of daily life.”

Support has slowly turned into a lifestyle built around avoiding life.

That’s The Avoidance Trap.

Why Lowering Demands Needs to Be Surgical

For years now, many of you have heard the advice to “lower demands.”

I’m not here to tell you that is wrong.

I’m here to help you decide:

Which demands should we lower?

Which should we keep?

And how do we bring life back in without sending anyone over the edge?

Lowering or raising demands is most powerful when it’s surgical:

• Removing or softening demands that repeatedly send your young person into shutdown or panic.
• Preserving small, manageable challenges that allow them to experience competence.
• Having a plan for slowly reintroducing certain demands as capacity grows.

When “lower demands” quietly becomes “remove almost everything difficult,” it doesn’t just protect.

It can stall development and shrink confidence.

It feels intuitive to be helpful.

Of course we step in.

Of course we soften.

But help can lead to avoidance.

Avoidance can lead to lagging skills and self-doubt.

Lowering demands doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

When Lowering Demands Starts Shrinking Life

A mom once asked me how to get her teen back to the dinner table for a family meal.

Her daughter had been experiencing chronic stress, and the family had been advised to drop all demands.

At first, that probably provided some needed relief.

But gradually, her world got smaller and smaller.

She stopped coming to family dinners.

Eventually, she was eating every meal alone, in front of her computer, in her bedroom.

We discussed the distinction we’re talking about here:

Being very selective about which demands are dropped.

Not removing every point of contact with family life.

The family had a collaborative conversation.

Rather than demanding that she suddenly attend every meal, they restored one family dinner a week.

One manageable place to begin.

Then, over time, they added more.

The answer wasn’t:

“You’re old enough. Come downstairs and eat with us.”

And it wasn’t:

“You never have to join us again.”

It was supported participation.

A small entryway back into family life.

A Test I REALLY Didn’t Want to Take

Recently, I had to have an MRI.

I tend to be claustrophobic in small spaces.

The thought of lying in a narrow tube paralyzed me with fear.

Cue the Jaws movie music.

I could literally feel the fight or flight mobilization in my body, just thinking about it.

My first reaction was very human:

“Crap, I really don’t want to do this.”

At the same time, another truth was standing right beside it:

“This test could help save my life.”

I HAD to find a way to do it.

I looked for an entryway, a way to step toward the fear without overwhelming myself.

I used two tools.

I CBT’d Myself (CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)

As a therapist, I knew I could probably desensitize my fear by watching videos of MRI exams on YouTube.

The first time, I was highly triggered almost immediately. Even the sight of the machine triggered “I am so out of here” feelings in my body.

So I turned the dial down.

I paused the video within seconds and simply watched a woman walk into the appointment.

No machine yet.

That was my starting point. All I could tolerate at first. I couldn’t watch past the 20 second mark.

This video helped me tremendously:

Over time, I increased what I could tolerate, pausing whenever my system said:

“That’s enough for now.”

Eventually I could watch the whole video. It took two weeks of almost daily viewing, starting with just a few seconds.

Medication on the Day of the Test

On the day of the MRI, I used two tablets of medication to support my nervous system as I went through the scan.

Afterward, I felt a genuine mixture of feelings:

“I really didn’t want to do this.”

And:

“I’m proud of myself for getting through it.”

I also felt loved and supported along the way.

The fear didn’t disappear.

But it became something I could work with rather than something to avoid.

This is the path many of our tweens, teens, and young adults need.

Not:

“You must do the hardest version right now.”

Not:

“You never have to face this.”

But:

“We’ll find a small, tolerable entryway, and we’ll walk through it together.”

Lowering Demands vs. Lowering Life

For some young people—especially those with trauma histories or PDA traits—lowering demands is necessary and compassionate.

The nuance lives in three questions:

• Which demands consistently tip my tween, teen, or young adult into shutdown, panic, or rage?
• Which demands are uncomfortable but potentially growth-building?
• What’s our plan for reintroducing certain demands as skills and safety grow?

If almost every demand is removed—

No shared meals.

No participation in family responsibilities.

No expectations for communication with school, college, or work.

No small, supported steps into the world.

Then life doesn’t just feel safer.

It often stalls.

What I see clinically is this:

Less contact with manageable stress.

More comparison that fuels low self-esteem:

“Everyone else is doing more than I am.”

And a slow erosion of self-trust.

Surgical lowering of demands protects nervous systems and opens room for healing.

All-or-nothing removal of demands can protect in the short term while strengthening avoidance in the long term.

Finding the Middle Path

This is the tension so many parents are living in.

We don’t want to overwhelm nervous systems that are already carrying so much.

But we also don’t want avoidance to become the prison guard of our children’s lives.

The work isn’t choosing between compassion and growth.

It’s learning how to dance with both.

It’s asking:

• Which demands truly need to come down?
• Which ones help build confidence?
• Where can we find one small, supported entryway instead of another escape hatch?

Sometimes that entryway is watching an MRI video for a few seconds before turning it off. (Gulp!)

Sometimes it’s becoming the family’s air-quality monitor instead of canceling the trip.

Sometimes it’s returning to one family dinner a week before trying for more.

Small steps. 1% wins.

A belief that growth is possible, one tiny step at a time.

That’s how confidence is built.

Not all at once.

One tolerable challenge at a time.

If This Feels Like Your Situation…

If you’re trying to support a tween, teen, or young adult who is anxious, burned out, overwhelmed, or becoming increasingly avoidant, we still have a few spots remaining in our small-group coaching program:

The Emotional Lives of Uniquely Bright Tweens, Teens & Young Adults

Navigating Anxiety, Trauma, Nervous Systems Under Threat & Supported Independence

A 6-Week Parent Education & Coaching Program with Debbie Steinberg Kuntz, LMFT, and Lauren Hutchinson, LMFT.

Together, we’ll explore how to support real nervous-system needs without quietly allowing anxiety and avoidance to shrink your young person’s world.

We’ll look at how to decide:

Which demands to lower.

Which supports to keep.

Which skills and responsibilities to gradually return.

And how to move toward supported independence without losing compassion for what your tween, teen, or young adult is carrying.

If this feels like your situation, we’d love to have you join us.

Learn more and reserve your spot here. 

Your friend in the dance with fear and bravery,

Debbie

The post Issue #028: The Avoidance Trap appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.

Many of you from around the world replied.

You wrote from up and down the west coast, Colorado, New York, Georgia, and from much farther away—South Africa, Australia, the UK, and beyond. The details were different, but a shared tension ran through your stories:

How Much Should I Intervene?

You’re being asked to support a young person’s growing independence at the very same time that anxiety, trauma, burnout, school refusal, executive function gaps, or chronic stress are telling you they still need a lot of help.

Too much help, and they could stay dependent on you for tasks, decisions, and emotional regulation.

Too little, and they could tip into anxiety, avoidance, or shutdown under demands they’re not yet equipped to handle well.

You’re not choosing between hands-on and hands-off.

You’re choosing how to stay engaged without either taking over or taking off.

This is the space I call supported independence.

Supported independence means staying actively involved in your teen or young adult’s life—very aware of anxiety, trauma, executive function challenges, and nervous systems under strain, while intentionally looking for small, specific ways to hand responsibility back to them over time.

I’ve come to think of supported independence as asking one question over and over:

What would I do right now if I presumed my child was capable of growth?

That question presumes competence and keeps us from setting the bar too low or over-accommodating.

It sits between two extremes that developmental and clinical research repeatedly warns us about:

• doing so much that young people never get to experience their own competence, and
• stepping back so far or so fast that they’re left facing demands their brains and bodies can’t yet meet.

The Questions You’re Carrying

In your emails, you named questions like:

“My teen refuses therapy, but we’re ready to learn. How much can we do from our side before it becomes rescuing?”

“My 21- or 24-year-old looks ‘high-functioning’ to everyone else, but still needs a lot of scaffolding. What is reasonable at this age?”

“We’ve already been through shutdown and burnout. If I ask for too much, I’m afraid I’ll tip my child back over the edge—and if I ask for too little, I worry I’m quietly teaching them they can’t handle life.”

“I’m carrying the mental load for everyone at home, including a neurodivergent partner. How do I protect my own energy while staying present for my kids?”

“My college-bound kid is ahead in some ways and years behind in others. How do I know when to let a natural consequence land and when to soften the ground?”

Some of you added layers: PDA and demand avoidance, autistic shutdowns and burnout, low self-esteem, the intersection between ADHD and anxiety, and the impact of screens, to name a few.

What stood out was not a search for a simple tip, but a desire for a framework that takes into account both high ability and real lagging skills, both their nervous system and yours.

Ideas from the Research

Stacked Challenges

Research on neurodivergent and twice-exceptional young people shows that bright teens and young adults are more likely to experience stacked challenges: anxiety and depression layered over executive function delays, experiences of school or social trauma, and sometimes chronic health issues. High cognitive ability does not erase these realities; it often coexists with them.

Scaffolding

In education and psychology, scaffolding means offering just enough support to make a task or transition possible, then gradually removing that support as skills grow. The intention is not permanent help, but temporary, targeted support that allows a young person to experience success and build capability in manageable steps.

Supported independence means adjusting the scaffolding—not lowering the mountain.

The goal isn’t to remove challenges. The goal is to provide enough support that a young person can stretch toward opportunities they want to pursue, and then gradually remove that support as confidence and competence grow.

Presume Competence

One principle increasingly emphasized in neurodiversity-affirming practice is to presume competence.

That doesn’t mean assuming a young person can already do everything independently. It means beginning with the belief that growth is possible, that motivation and understanding are present even when skills are uneven, and that today’s dependence doesn’t predict tomorrow’s capacity.

When we presume incompetence, expectations quietly shrink. Opportunities disappear. Confidence has fewer chances to grow.

Setting Expectations Too High

When expectations consistently exceed a young person’s current capacity—especially in the context of chronic stress, trauma, or a nervous system already on high alert—they are more likely to move into overwhelm, avoidance, or shutdown rather than healthy independence. It’s not a lack of willpower; it’s a mismatch between demands and available resources.

Over-Helping (Sometimes Called Enabling)

On the other side, when adults quietly carry most of the responsibility for too long, without a plan for transferring pieces back, young people can understandably come to doubt their own abilities and hesitate to take risks or initiate on their own. Over-helping can feel caring in the moment, but over time it can erode self-trust.

Supported independence is one way of holding these truths together:

Recognizing that your 17- or 22-year-old may need more hands-on support than their peers in some areas while still benefiting from carefully expanding their responsibilities in others.

When I’m trying to decide how much support to provide, I often come back to three questions:

• Can they do this independently today?
• Could they do it with the right scaffolding?
• What is the smallest piece I can hand back to them this week?

Your Nervous System Is Part of the Picture

Many of you also named your own state: hypervigilance, exhaustion, grief, and the weight of being the one who keeps noticing, planning, and holding.

Any practical conversation about “how much help is too much” has to include your nervous system as well as your child’s.

When you’re stretched thin, it’s harder to:

• tolerate your child’s distress without immediately stepping in to fix it,
• allow them to struggle long enough to learn, and
• gradually hand responsibilities back, even when you believe it’s the right long-term goal.

It’s not that you don’t understand the concepts; it’s that your system is protecting everyone the best way it knows how.

Attachment research reminds us that secure relationships provide both a safe haven and a secure base. We support our children when they need us, and we encourage them as they move toward challenges they are ready, and wanting, to explore. Sometimes our own anxiety can lead us to protect them from opportunities that might actually help them grow.

Supported independence, in practice, often means looking for adjustments that support you, too—more clarity, more shared language, and more community, so these decisions don’t feel quite so solitary or high-stakes.

If You’d Like to Explore This More Deeply

Because the response to When Helping Becomes Enabling was so strong, and because so many of you named this same tension, I’ve put together a new small-group series for parents and caregivers who want structured space to keep working with these questions.

It’s called The Emotional Lives of Uniquely Bright Tweens, Teens & Young Adults: Navigating Anxiety, Trauma, Nervous Systems Under Threat & Supported Independence, and we’ll be exploring these themes together over six weeks, starting July 29.

If this supported-independence question feels very alive in your home right now and you’d like a space to think it through with other parents, you can read the full details (including live and self-paced options) here:

→ Full program information

Perhaps the question isn’t “How much help is too much?”

Perhaps the better question is, “What would I do right now if I presumed my child was capable of growth?”

The post Issue #027: Supported Independence appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.

As often happens when I teach, I came in with a lesson plan.

But some of the most interesting moments weren’t in the slides.

They came from the questions.

A Quick Family Map

One of the first things I showed the students was how I quickly sketch a family map, called a genogram, when families ask questions about their situation.

My answers are almost always age- and stage-dependent, so having a quick snapshot of the family is incredibly helpful. It helps me understand who is in the family, what strengths and challenges may be present, and how everyone is influencing one another.

Observation #1: Helping Anxiety vs Feeding Anxiety

Over the course of three days, students asked questions like:

• How do we know when a parent is supporting their child’s anxiety—or accidentally making it worse?
• When school refusal shows up, do we focus more on getting them back in class or mental health?
• Does the child need to change or does the environment need to change?
• How many demands on the child should we remove if we eventually need to bring them back?
• What if a child’s nervous system is almost always in fight, flight, or shutdown?

At first glance, these seem like very different questions.

But underneath, they all point to a similar dilemma:

How do we actually help an anxious child, instead of accidentally feeding the anxiety?

As parents, teachers, therapists, and coaches, one of our biggest challenges is finding the right balance.

When we’re too hands-off, people can flounder.

When we’re too hands-on, people can become more dependent, more anxious, or more helpless.

One distinction we discussed is the difference between enabling and empowering.

Enabling means we’re helping but robbing someone of the chance to learn it themselves.

Empowering means we’re supporting them while keeping the ownership of problem-solving in their court.

Having agency and autonomy is critical to mental health.

When we enable instead of empower, it’s usually because we love our kids and don’t want them to suffer.

But one of the challenges of parenting, teaching, and supporting bright neurodivergent kids is that the thing that reduces distress today isn’t always the thing that builds confidence tomorrow.

The art is finding the right balance.

Observation #2: Independence vs. Supported Independence

One conversation especially stuck with me.

A student shared that she does quite a bit of executive function support for her son because life is already stressful enough and she doesn’t want him carrying unnecessary pressure.

I’ve been there myself.

Many of our kids are carrying a heavy load.

Then I asked how old he was.

Seventeen, with plans to leave for college in a year.

That changed the conversation.

Because now the question wasn’t just how to reduce stress today.

The question became:

How do we help him leave home equipped?

I found myself saying something like:

“So what I’m hearing is that over the next year, we’re going to have to transfer responsibility for some of these daily life tasks and skills to him, so he can leave home equipped.”

That led to a wonderful discussion about independence versus supported independence.

Independence is:

“You’re old enough. Figure it out.”

Supported independence is:

“I’m still here to support you, but little by little, the responsibility is becoming yours.”

One of the most powerful ways to do this is through gradual release:

I do. We do. You do.

The goal isn’t dependence.

The goal isn’t throwing them into the deep end, either.

The goal is supported independence.

Observation #3: Trauma Can Hide in Plain Sight

Another question generated a lot of discussion.

One student asked:

“What if my child is almost never in the green zone? They’re almost always in fight, flight, or shutdown.”

It’s an important question.

Because many bright neurodivergent kids spend years feeling like square pegs in round holes.

Years of being on the receiving end of thousands of criticisms.

Years of feeling misunderstood.

Years of trying harder and still feeling like they can’t quite get it right.

I replied:

“I don’t know your child, but when someone is spending most of their life in fight, flight, or shutdown, I start wondering whether there may be some unprocessed trauma onboard.”

Her response came immediately:

100% trauma.

That exchange stayed with me.

We then talked about some of the gold-standard treatments for trauma and why understanding the nervous system is so important when supporting bright neurodivergent kids.

More on that another day.

Because sometimes what looks like anxiety, avoidance, defiance, emotional reactivity, or school refusal is actually a hypervigilant nervous system sensing threat.

In Polyvagal Theory, this process is called neuroception—the nervous system’s constant scanning for danger and safety.

A Question For You

These were just a few of the conversations we had over three rich days together.

We talked about anxiety, trauma, nervous systems, executive function, school refusal, self-esteem, friendship, and much more.

But I keep coming back to that central question:

How do we support bright neurodivergent kids in ways that help them grow rather than become more dependent, more anxious, or more helpless?

It’s a question worth wrestling with.

In fact, I’m thinking about putting together a day-long workshop on the social and emotional lives of bright neurodivergent kids and families.

We could explore topics like:

• Anxiety and emotional regulation
• Trauma and the nervous system
• School refusal
• Executive function and independence
• Self-esteem and identity
• Friendship and social connection
• The neurodivergent marriage
• And much more

It would be designed for parents, educators, therapists, coaches, and anyone who supports uniquely bright kids.

If that sounds interesting, hit reply and let me know.

Also let me know about format…

Would you prefer something online?

Or would you enjoy gathering together in person somewhere near the water here in the Seattle area?

I hear from so many people in our community that they’re craving more IRL (in real life) connection.

The convenience of online learning is wonderful.

But there is also something special about spending a day together with people who care deeply about helping bright neurodivergent kids thrive.

I’d love to hear what sounds most appealing to you.

The post Issue #026: When Does Helping Become Enabling? appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.

And that time in our heads is typically crowded with negative thoughts like:

“I’m not up to the challenge.”

“They don’t like me.”

“Something bad is going to happen.”

Our brains serve up these automatic negative thoughts in an effort to detect and prevent potential threats.

It’s like the brain says: Better safe than sorry.

This can take many forms:

• Thinking traps, like the ones I shared last week
• Rumination: replaying past mistakes, conversations, or problems over and over
• Worry: mentally rehearsing what could go wrong in the future
• Overthinking: repeatedly analyzing a situation without reaching a solution
• Emotional spirals: getting pulled deeper into distress by increasingly negative interpretations

How Stress Distorts Thinking

When stress is high, the brain tends to lean toward safety, not clarity, and that can show up as thinking traps, overthinking, or assuming the worst.

You might find yourself replaying a conversation, trying to solve a problem that won’t resolve, or spiraling emotionally because your mind keeps feeding you the most negative interpretation.

The Cost of Negative Thinking

While this pattern may be trying to keep you safe, the cost can be high.

Negative thinking keeps you playing small.

It drains joy out of daily life.

It can feed anxiety, low mood, and emotional reactivity over time.

Catch it, Check it, Change it

The good news is that there is a research-based way to work with these thoughts more realistically and effectively. That’s exactly what will be covered this week…

FREE LIVE WORKSHOP

June 11 • 11am PT

MENTAL CLARITY UNDER STRESS

How to Exit Thinking Traps, Overthinking, and Emotional Spirals — So You Can Think More Clearly and Feel Better

In this workshop, I’ll teach a 3-step thought-shifting process, originally from CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) called Catch it, Check it, Change it.

Thoughts influence emotions and behavior, and when thoughts become more accurate and constructive, people are often better able to move forward in ways that support growth and well-being.

Join Us Live

This is practical, compassionate work, and there’s no charge to attend.

If you, or someone you know, is tired of getting pulled into thinking traps, overthinking, or emotional spirals, this workshop is a place to start.

You can save your seat here. 

The post Issue #025: Know Someone Who Overthinks, Worries, or Spirals? appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.

I never did. And I wish I had, because our minds can play some very convincing tricks on us.

Most of us grow up learning what to think, like facts, formulas, dates, but almost no one teaches us how to notice when our thoughts are lying to us. So we fall into the trap of believing every thought that pops into our head, simply because… that’s what we think.

What Distorted Thinking Sounds Like

• “If I can’t do it perfectly, there’s no point in trying.”
• “Everyone else is handling life better than I am.”
• “If something went wrong once, it will probably go wrong again.”

On a stressful day, those can feel like solid truths. But they’re actually examples of what psychologists call cognitive distortions. I like to call them thinking traps.

They’re predictable thought patterns that crank up anxiety, self-doubt, procrastination, and overthinking.

Thinking Traps Feel True, but They’re Not

Here’s the tricky part: when you’re inside a thinking trap, it feels true, unless you’re in the know.

The first order of operations is to spot the trap.

I’ve listed the 10 most common thinking traps in this mini-guide.

Once you can name the pattern, “Oh, that’s all-or-nothing thinking,” or “This is my catastrophizing voice talking,” you can choose a different response.

Instead of getting pulled into the spiral, you can pause, zoom out, and ask:

What else could be true here?

Three Common Traps

In my work with bright, self-aware people, these three show up again and again:

1) All-or-nothing thinking

This thinking trap says: If it’s not perfect, it feels like a failure.

Perfectionism, anyone?

This sounds like:
“If I can’t do it exactly right, I might as well not bother.”

A better question:

What’s one tiny, imperfect step that still moves me forward?

2) Mind-reading

This thinking trap assumes you know what other people think of you, without actual evidence.

This sounds like:
“They haven’t texted back; they must be annoyed with me.”

A better question:

What are three other explanations that could also be true? (ie they’re checking on dates, they lost their phone, they missed your text coming in.)

3) Catastrophizing

This thinking trap fast-forwards straight to the worst-case scenario.

This sounds like:

“If something went wrong once, it will probably go wrong again.”
Or: “It’s 11pm and my brain is replaying one small thing like it’s a disaster.”

A better question:

What’s the most likely outcome—and if it is hard, what support would I have?

Free Guide

I’ve gathered the most common thinking traps in this mini-guide. Spotting and working through these thought patterns is life-changing for a lot of people. I’ll prompt you with questions to support your growing awareness.

Get it here:
10 Thinking Traps That Intensify Stress and Overthinking

I hope you find the mini-guide useful!

The post Issue #024: 10 Thinking Traps That Fuel Stress appeared first on Uniquely Bright Life.