The holidays are a time for family gatherings, but they can also bring stress and challenging behaviors, especially when your child is neurodiverse. Mona Delahooke, PhD, psychologist and author of Brain Body Parenting, shares how to manage difficult conversations with extended family members and how to help them better understand your child’s behaviors. Learn effective talking points and strategies for supporting your child during the holidays.
Helping Family Understand Your Child’s Unique Behaviors
The holiday season often brings extended family together, but it can also bring stress, misunderstandings, and moments of tension—especially when your child exhibits behaviors that others may not understand. These behaviors, like grabbing items from others or emotional outbursts, can be misinterpreted as defiance or misbehavior. However, Dr. Mona Delahooke explains that these behaviors are often stress reactions and should not be viewed through a punitive lens.
Dr. Delahooke emphasizes the importance of helping others understand that these behaviors are not intentional misdeeds but rather signs of stress, anxiety, or a need for comfort. She shares an easy-to-use script for talking to family members about how to approach challenging behaviors in a way that’s both supportive and understanding.
Talking Points for Family Members
When discussing your child’s behaviors, tailor the information to your audience. The way you explain it to a younger babysitter will differ from how you approach a grandparent. Here’s an example script you can use:
"There are behaviors that may seem troubling, like when Ben grabs things off of other people’s desks or shoves his sister. These behaviors are not meant to be rude or intentionally bad, but are stress responses. We’re working on helping him manage these reactions and want to make sure you understand that this is part of his developmental process. If this happens, here’s how we try to respond to him. What are your thoughts on this?"
By framing the conversation this way, you invite understanding and set the stage for collaborative problem-solving.
Practical Tips for Family and Caregivers
Alongside your talking points, it can be incredibly helpful to give family members a list of dos and don'ts for handling stressful moments with your child. Dr. Delahooke suggests creating a checklist of things to do and avoid in challenging situations. Here’s a helpful verbal checklist:
What to Do:
- Stay Calm– Keep a calm demeanor, even when your child is acting out. Your own calmness will influence how your child reacts.
- Offer Comfort– Physical or emotional comfort can help reduce stress. This might include offering a snack, a comforting toy, or some quiet time to reset.
- Look Beyond the Behavior– Ask yourself: what could be causing this stress? Your child’s behavior is a reaction to something, not a deliberate act of defiance.
- Provide Firm, Kind Leadership– Gently reinforce boundaries while remaining empathetic. Guide them back to acceptable behavior with kindness.
What Not to Do:
- Don’t React Emotionally– Avoid raising your voice or getting frustrated, as this can escalate the situation.
- Don’t Focus on Punishment– Punitive measures won’t address the underlying cause of your child’s behavior. Focus on support instead.
Key Takeaways:
- Understanding your child’s challenging behaviors as stress responses, rather than acts of defiance, can foster more compassion and support from extended family members.
- Tailor your explanation to the person you’re speaking with, adjusting for their age and understanding.
- Teach family members how to stay calm, offer comfort, and provide gentle leadership in challenging moments.
- Use a checklist of dos and don’ts for effective, supportive responses during stressful interactions.
Navigating the holiday season with a neurodiverse child can be challenging, but with the right tools and communication strategies, you can ensure that your child is supported, and your family is aligned in their approach.
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