When children struggle socially, it can leave parents in a difficult spot. Do we step in and correct them when they make social errors? How do we manage our own internal reactions to these missteps? And most importantly, are we sometimes expecting more from children, especially those who might be neurodivergent, than we do from their neurotypical peers?
In a recent conversation with Barry Prizant, PhD, author of Uniquely Human, he shared valuable insights into how we can approach these situations with empathy and developmental understanding. Prizant’s wisdom helps us navigate social missteps in a way that doesn’t overwhelm our children, while also addressing our natural concerns as parents.
Developmentally Appropriate Expectations
One of the most important things to keep in mind when addressing social challenges is that social skills develop over time. This is something that Prizant emphasizes strongly in his work. He stresses that social understanding is developmental, meaning it evolves as children grow, and it’s crucial that we set realistic expectationsfor their abilities at each stage. This applies especially when it comes to children who may have challenges with social understanding, like those on the autism spectrum.
Prizant points out that it's essential for parents to avoid putting too much pressureon children to meet social norms or behave in certain ways before they are developmentally ready. Just because a child’s peers may be meeting certain social expectations at a specific age doesn’t mean your child should be expected to do the same. In fact, Prizant shares a thought-provoking observation from a mother who asked, “Why is my son expected to get it right socially 80-90% of the time when my neurotypical child is only getting it right 60% of the time at the same age?”This highlights the discrepancy that sometimes exists in expectations for neurodivergent kids versus their neurotypical peers.
Modeling, Not Correcting
When it comes to social missteps, Prizant advocates for a modeling approachrather than direct correction. For instance, if a child forgets to say “please” or “thank you” when requesting something, instead of saying, “No, that’s not polite,” parents can model the correct behaviorin a non-critical way. For example, if a child says, “I want a cookie,” instead of pointing out that they didn’t say “please,” parents can respond, “Oh, I’d love to have a cookie, please.”This method of gentle modeling helps the child learn the correct social behavior without feeling criticized or shameful about their actions.
Prizant explains that this approach helps kids internalize social expectations over time. Rather than focusing on being reprimanded for every misstep, children can observe how to interact with others in a calm, supportive environment. Modelingis often more effective than correctingbecause it allows kids to learn through observation without the pressure of being wrong.
The Power of Stories for Social Skills
Prizant also advocates using stories and narrativesto help children understand social norms. Stories are a great tool for demonstrating how social situations unfold, and they can be used to address specific issues your child may be struggling with. These stories don’t just highlight the “right” way to behave but also allow children to engage with characters and situations, making the lesson more relatable and understandable.
For instance, if your child struggles with taking turns or understanding personal space, you could create a story around a character who experiences similar difficulties. Through storytelling, children can explore these social nuances at their own pace, without feeling pressured to immediately get things right in real-life scenarios.
The Parent’s Role: Managing Your Own Reactions
While it’s important to be patient with your child, it’s equally crucial to manage your own feelings as a parent. Social missteps can be uncomfortable, especially when they occur in public or around peers. What do we do with our own internal reactionswhen our child says something awkward or behaves in a socially inappropriate way?
Prizant acknowledges that parents often experience embarrassment or frustrationwhen their child doesn’t behave in the expected social manner. However, he emphasizes the importance of keeping these feelings in check. Parents should recognize that social skills develop at different rates, and reacting negatively or excessively to a child’s misstep can inadvertently make the child feel bad about themselves.
What Are the Real Consequences?
When considering whether to intervene in a child’s social mistake, Prizant encourages parents to ask themselves: What are the real consequences of this behavior?Is the child’s behavior actually off-putting to other kids? Is it insulting to their peers? Sometimes, we as parents, teachers, and therapists place a higher level of scrutiny on our kids than other children experience. Not every social misstep is a deal-breaker or something that requires immediate correction.
If a child’s behavior is not causing significant harm or distress to others, it may be worth allowing them to navigate the situation on their own. If, however, the behavior is creating issues with making or keeping friends, it might be time to work on improving those skills.
The Bottom Line: Patience and Understanding
The key takeaway from Barry Prizant’s approach is patience and understanding. It’s vital for parents to recognize that social development is a process, and children, especially those with neurodivergence, will progress at their own pace. Instead of overwhelming them with corrections and expectations, it’s more effective to model appropriate behaviors, engage in storytelling, and gently guide them through their social challenges.
Parents should also remember to be compassionate with themselves. It's normal to feel frustrated or embarrassed when your child’s social behavior isn’t “typical,” but it’s essential to approach these situations with empathy and support—not just for the child but also for yourself as you navigate these moments.
By embracing this approach, we help our children develop the social skills they need without putting unnecessary pressure on them or ourselves. Social understanding takes time—and as parents, we play a crucial role in helping children learn these skills in a way that honors their unique developmental path.
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